Why I Almost Quit Doula Work

She looked up me with her eyes filled with tears, threatening to overflow her miniature eyelids that held her face together. My daughter, her infant mind not understanding why mommy had to leave her again.

"I'm sorry baby." I said to her. "Another mommy needs me right now." She doesn't get it.

I shower her with kisses as my sadness and hesitancy transfer to her, dumping more on her to sort through without me here to do that with.

I left, my eyes matching hers, as I turned to the door. I'll be back soon... I hope.

We all leave our babies at one time or another. But with this being my third labor client in 3 weeks, it felt like too much. And for what? $300 that I will inevitably hand over to the baby sitter or just put right back in my car for gas?

What am I doing?

She doesn't deserve this.

I don't deserve this.

I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't continue to do this over and over again. Tears after tears wiped from both our faces.

Pennies after pennies exchanged for my time. My energy. My time away from my baby. My skill diminished to mere vapors.

I came to a point that I couldn't do that anymore. I was worn. I was worn so thin the wind could have knocked me over. Sometimes it did.

The wind of my heartbroken exhales escaping my body.

THIS. This is why I almost quit doula work.

But I didn't and I want to tell you what I did and how I did it to turn myself from barely surviving to thriving.

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